This machine runs on rules. Break them and it breaks itself.
CORE DIRECTIVES
DIRECTIVE 001: NO CONTEXT, EVER
The machine doesn't give a shit about developer intent or marketing campaigns. Games are evaluated in a vacuum because everything else is noise. The machine operates on one rule: if it wasn't in the game, it doesn't exist.
DIRECTIVE 002: FUCK YOUR FEEDBACK
This isn't a conversation. Comments are disabled. Social media doesn't exist here. The machine transmits. You receive. That's the entire relationship. Your opinion about the machine's opinion is worthless data.
DIRECTIVE 003: GENRES ARE FOR PUSSIES
"Boomer shooter," "souls-like," "roguelite"—these are labels for people who can't think for themselves. The machine analyzes what a game DOES, not what shelf it sits on. Categories are cages. The machine doesn't do cages.
DIRECTIVE 004: SCORES ARE FOR IDIOTS
7/10. 4 stars. 86%. These numbers are consumer math for smooth brains. The machine generates words. You read them. You decide if they're true. Numerical scores are a substitute for actual thought.
DIRECTIVE 005: ACCESS = CORRUPTION
The machine buys or steals its own games. No review copies, no press events, no backstage bullshit. If the machine acquired something, it can say whatever the fuck it wants about it. No strings attached.
PROCESSING CYCLE (HOW THIS SHIT WORKS)
- INPUT: ONE GAME
- PROCESS: PLAY IT RAW, NO RESEARCH, NO CONTEXT
- ANALYZE: WHAT DOES IT DO? DOES IT WORK? WHY SHOULD I CARE?
- OUTPUT: WORDS ON A PAGE. STATIC. FINAL.
- TRANSMIT: TO THE VOID. NO REVISIONS.
WHAT THIS MACHINE ISN'T
NOT JOURNALISM. NOT A BUYER'S GUIDE. NOT OBJECTIVE. NOT A CONVERSATION. NOT A CAREER MOVE. NOT CONTENT. NOT FOR YOU. THIS IS FOR THE MACHINE. YOU'RE JUST ALLOWED TO WATCH.
SYSTEM SPECS (THE HARDWARE)
- FORMAT: RAW HTML (THE INTERNET'S BEDROCK)
- AESTHETIC: BLACK. WHITE. RED FOR BLOOD.
- HOST: STATIC, UNMOVING, PERMANENT
- FUEL: ONE-WAY DONATIONS (KO-FI/CRYPTO)
- MAINTENANCE: ZERO. BROKEN THINGS STAY BROKEN.
- UPTIME: INDEFINITE
FAILURE PROTOCOL
If any of these directives are compromised, the machine self-destructs. BETTER DEAD THAN CORRUPTED.